How to tell if you’re running away or building strength?

One of the most common questions I receive from clients is: how do we recognise when we’re running away or escaping from what caused our pain versus using our inner resources to release the overwhelm stored in our system? This is a nuanced inquiry, and understanding the difference between these two responses can be a vital part of the healing journey.

The dance of safety and discomfort

When working with trauma, the process of pendulation—alternating between states of discomfort and safety—is often misunderstood. On the surface, it might seem like avoiding discomfort or “escaping” the problem, but in reality, it’s a foundational strategy for healing. Much like a warrior who trains by first building strength before confronting challenges, we too must cultivate a robust sense of inner safety and resourcefulness before we can effectively work with our overwhelming emotions or traumatic memories.

Why not dive straight in?

Our nervous system is like a garden that needs proper care to thrive. If we thrust ourselves into the weeds of our trauma without first preparing the soil, the experience can be too much, too soon, and ultimately counterproductive. Think of it this way:

• Escapism or running away: This involves a reactive move where we distract ourselves or shut down to avoid pain. It’s driven by fear and the urge to protect ourselves from immediate overwhelm.

• Resourcing: This is a deliberate, nurturing process in which you actively engage with elements that make you feel safe, comfortable, and strong. Instead of diving headfirst into the storm of your trauma, you gradually create a safe internal environment where healing can occur.

   Building the container for healing

Before confronting what feels threatening, the body needs a reliable source of safety. This is where building internal resources comes into play. Consider these approaches to feel safe and comfortable:

• Find your anchor: It might be a memory, a comforting object, or a specific breathing technique—anything that brings about a sense of calm and security.

• Practice pendulation: This is the process of gently moving between states of relative comfort and manageable discomfort. It is not avoidance; rather, it’s a way to recalibrate the nervous system so that the discomfort doesn’t overwhelm it.

• Resource activation: This term in somatic experiencing refers to accessing inner or external supports that allow your nervous system to feel cared for. It might be as simple as holding a soft blanket, remembering a cherished moment, or engaging in a slow, mindful walk.

It can be tempting to label any step away from direct confrontation as “running away.” However, deliberate resourcing isn’t about denial—it’s about preparation. 

The beauty of the nervous system’s design

Our body is inherently designed to heal when given the right conditions. Just as plants need sunshine and water to grow, our nervous system needs moments of ease and security to process and release stored overwhelm. When you provide your body with these restorative experiences—when you let it feel safe—your nervous system naturally begins to let go of that excessive stress. The process might look like:

• A deep, nourishing breath,
• A spontaneous sigh of relief,
• Gentle shifts in bodily sensations that signal release.

These are not signs of avoidance but evidence of your body’s incredible resilience and capacity to heal when nurtured properly.

In conclusion

Recognizing the difference between escapism and genuine resourcing is key. It’s the quiet, sometimes imperceptible moments when you choose to slow down, feel safe, and nurture yourself that lay the groundwork for deeper healing. Instead of feeling guilty for taking time to build your internal container, embrace it—this is the preparation that empowers you to eventually meet and heal your inner demons, triggers, and overwhelm.

Ultimately, healing is not about confronting your trauma in a single, overwhelming moment. It is about gradually increasing your capacity to hold discomfort while continuously affirming your safety. It’s about finding the right balance. 

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